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Dutch Schnell: I’m Back

Friday, 12.16.2005 / 1:38 PM / News
Wild.com

altDutch Schnell, goalie-racer here, and as you can tell by perusing the picture to the left, I have got my proverbial game face ON people!

Usually, I use my weekly Friday column as a vehicle to pump the tires of our beloved, yet recently downtrodden, hard luck Minnesota Wild. And, I will continue to do so until I will them to the Cup, which I still believe is possible even after three gut-wrenching 3-2 defeats in the span of a week.

But today, I will address the issue that has kept the little tykes awake with anticipation as of late. Today, I am here to officially confirm rumors that have circulated through the stands of every Minnesota rink, from Willmar to that little area at the top of our great state that juts into Canada.

 alt
 Never witnessed a goalie race? Click here to see what you’ve missed.
The Great Goalie Race, presented by Xcel Energy, will make its 2005 debut during the first intermission of tomorrow night’s expected Minnesota Wild shellacking of Les Habitants.

Further (and this is the big news), I have decided to come out of retirement to participate in said race, where I will run roughshod over notorious puppy hater, Egg Olson.

Let’s make one thing clear, I still plan to post diatribes and dissertations right here on the family friendly wild.com (with apologies to my message board detractors like “HardyScot,” “Killer Carlson” and “ItsMr-----2u”). But another chance to humiliate Egg Olson once again is one that I am not about to pass up.

I must break his will.

Wild management has assured me that they support my decision to return to the races, and I still have a spot in the janitorial closet where I can resume my online contributions next week.

   Name  Jersey  Represents Career Wins
 alt  Dutch Schnell  Blue  Lower Level  6
 alt  Ugly Roguski  Black  Suite Level  2
 alt  Egg Olson  Red  Club Level  4
 alt  Piney Woods  Gold  Upper Level Ends  3
 alt  Legs Lukenen  Grey  Upper Level Sides  0
To prime you for Saturday’s race, I consider it my new mission in life to educate the uneducated (certainly not anybody in our great state) as to what exactly transpires in these goalie races. What are they about? Who’s involved? What’s the purpose? Do I still have time to grab a Budweiser and run to the bathroom before the second period starts?

Stay alert young cherubs, because I won’t be repeating myself. Consider this your history lesson for the day. Then, go home and take a nap to let the knowledge course through your body.

*Ahem*

Now then, Goalie racing actually originated in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, back in 1931, during the second intermission of a regular season contest between the Maple Leafs and the Philadelphia Quakers at the Maple Leaf Gardens.

The Maple Leaf game entertainment minions recognized the need to spice things up between periods, because butter-churning contests simply weren’t holding the fans attention.

 altalt
 Cy Prodgers (left) and Norb Lalonde (right) were the first-ever goalie racers.
Two goalie-racers, now known as the “Original Two,” named Cy Prodgers and Norb Lalonde, were brought in to stir things up in between periods of a runaway Quaker victory.

The first-ever race featuring Prodgers and Lalonde was actually slated for 24 laps of goalie racing goodness. In those days, T.V. timeouts weren’t even glimmers in the eyes of corporate bigwigs, so intermissions lasted as long as people darn well pleased.

 However, when Prodgers passed out after six laps, Lalonde was declared winner by default, and all subsequent goalie races were reduced to two laps in length.

The sport has evolved since 1931. The equipment is much more streamlined and advanced. The goalie racers are bigger, faster and in most cases, smell like stale cabbage. And now, there are usually five goalies in each race.

Tomorrow, I will once again take my place in the race to represent all my peeps that sit in the lower level of the Xcel Energy Center. Joining me will be Eldrick “Piney” Woods, Legs Lukenen, Ugly Roguski, and of course, the jagged pebble in my shoe of life, Egg Olson.

Fork over a couple hundy to some scalpers for some lower level seats if you have to, State of Hockey legion. Do what you can to grab a seat in the lower level. To quote Col. Jessep, “You want me on that rink! You NEED me on that rink!”

And after my guaranteed victory, you will have time to grab a cold one and relieve yourself.

I am Dutch Schnell, and I…am a goalie racer…again!


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